Remembering my baby that was not to be

About 8 months ago, I thought that on this day, 1 September 2011, I would be holding a baby in my arms. It was the EDD of my baby that was not to be.

James and I had been trying for a child for nearly a year and though it seemed long, I never had any doubt that I would be able to conceive. I trusted that God knew the right time and that He would bless us with a child in His own time.

Round about Christmas 2010, I found out I was pregnant and was completely elated. But I was experiencing bleeding so I called my gynae and set up an appointment. The ultrasound showed a sac, though very small and it was confirmed that I was approx 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. He sent me home with a stash of hormones and asked me to see him again in 2 weeks.

Even after taking the hormones, the bleeding didn’t stop. In fact, it got worse and at one point, I even bled out a clot with fresh blood. I confined myself to the bed for the next few days and after a week, the bleeding stopped. I took a pregnancy test again and it was again positive and the line was darker than before, so I breathed a sigh of relief.

At my scheduled appointment, 2 weeks after I first saw the sac, my gynae gave me bad news. The sac that we had seen earlier had disappeared and he said I had probably miscarried. He recommended that I take a blood test to confirm the outcome. Whilst I was upset at the news, there was a deep sense of peace. In my heart I somehow knew that God was still in control.

When the nurse called the day after she told me my hormone levels were still very high and that I was to go in the next day to take another blood test. So I went in on Saturday, did the blood test and while waiting for the results, James, John and I walked to Delifrance for breakfast.

Just as we were walking past the hospital admissions, I felt blood suddenly drain from me. My vision started to blur and I grabbed hold of James. As we were right in front of the hospital admissions, James got the staff there to help and they wheeled me into an exam room. They got my gynae to see me and after a very painful vaginal exam, he confirmed I had an ectopic pregnancy and the baby which was growing in my fallopian tube had grown too big that it had ruptured the tube. So I was wheeled into the operating theatre for an emergency laparotomy.

An hour later, I woke up to learn that I was ok and my gynae had to remove a portion of my fallopian tube and drain about a coke can of blood. Needless to say, the baby didn’t survive. The good news was that he didn’t remove my ovary as well and that in the future, I could consider reconstructing the fallopian tube.

So yes, we lost a baby. The date was 15 Jan 2011. But through it all, I knew God had a bigger purpose. In fact as I look back, I can only say that God was preparing me for the loss.

In the months before, I had been praying with many friends who were either having pregnancy complications or losses of their own and I believe through encouraging them, God was building up my own faith. I had also been wrestling with the issues of suffering, testing and having one’s character proven by God. I believe that at that time, God believed I was in a good place to undergo a test of my own and He allowed for the loss so I could grow in my faith.

Also I could see how God orchestrated everything around the situation. Like how I went for my second blood test on a Saturday so James was with me, and how the rupture happened right in front of hospital admissions so I could be treated immediately. In fact I believe I was supposed to rupture a few days before that as I felt the same pain and cramp while I was out with John alone at Parkway Parade. But God “postponed” it. I really thank God because I don’t know how John would have reacted if I had fainted while out with him alone.

The best part of it all is that I knew that God would bless us with another child. In fact I wrote in my journal about a week or so after coming home from the hospital that I believe God told me I was going to be a mother again by the end of the year.

As of today, 1 September 2011, I am almost 25 weeks pregnant with a baby girl and am due on the 20th of December. God keeps His promise and I am so thankful to have gone through what I did so I can testify of His goodness and mercy.