I bring John for playclub lessons at Julia Gabriel and it's been great not only for John but for me as well. I get to learn a few 'tricks' of the trade and I get to follow up with John outside of class to enhance his learning. John also gets some social exposure and I get to meet other mums.
One thing I do a lot is observe others with the kids. I especially watch helpers (because there are just so many of them! One class we attended had 8 helpers and 2 moms!) and how they treat the kids. I don't really now why I do that but i think it's because I feel an innate sense of protection for these kids and I look out for any inappropriate behavior.
One helper-kid duo in John's class stood out. Over the last week, I had observed that the helper had smacked the child, she had used her finger to push his head in an "inappropriate" way while obviously complaining about him to another helper, and she had also been very rough with him, tugging his shirt and pushing him around. I felt horrible for the kid (let's call him C). Each time I saw something I disapproved of, I cried inside for C. The mother inside me couldn't take it. I can't imagine what was like at home when they were alone. On top of that, C is very quiet. He hardly speaks and shows bursts of mischief which would elicit an angry response from his helper again.
I spoke to my husband and had decided to speak to the teacher about what I saw with the hope that she would speak to C's parents or grandfather (who drops C and the helper off every morning at Julia Gabriel - 4 times a week). Then today I went to class and shortly after I arrived, C and his helper arrived. I decided to casually speak to this helper and what she had to say made me weep inside.
I asked her how old C was and she said 2 years 5 months. That's a whole 10 months older than John! Then she said "But he dunno how to talk". Compared to my little one who yabs non stop, this, in my opinion, was very unusual. She then went on to say that his parents both worked and had no time for C. On the weekends, C's mom would sit in her room and "play computer" and his father would just watch TV. What's worse, this morning, C had gone into his parent's room and tried to cuddle his father but his father had pushed him away. So he ran to his helper instead for a cuddle. I was like "WHAT???!!!" I literally teared there and then. I couldn't hear or even take what she was saying. It felt like a someone had ripped my heart open, pulled it out and trampled on it. What she concluded the conversation with did it for me - "mam, C's grandfather says he's no one's child". I had to look away. If I took another look at C, I would have burst into a flood of tears. My final words to her before leaving the class that day was to treat C well, and show him love because she was in a position to do so - to which she agreed - thank God.
Thinking about it now, I don't think I can blame the helper for being the way she is. Yes, she shouldn't be rough with C but in my own personal opinion, she is also a sort-of victim. She's a helper who has been thrown into the role of mother. She spends all her waking hours either mummy-ing C or doing housework. And I for one know how much it takes to be a mother. What's more this is NOT her child! She's frustrated about the situation and she's frustrated for C.
And my heart aches for little C! I feel choked up each time I think about him. He probably feels his parents don't love him and as a result, isolates himself. He doesn't speak not because he can't… he just doesn't because there's no one to talk to. I'm not surprised that he acts out with bouts of mischief. He's just trying to get the attention of those who are supposed to love him. And he's such a sweet boy. Handsome and all. Aiyah. I'm just so distraught with the revelation that parents can treat their children this way. I'm no psychologist, but it's hard to ignore what's happening to C.
This blog entry is really one to keep myself in check. To remind myself that helpers are really that… HELPERS. They are not meant to take the place of parents. And really, if you don't want the responsibility of caring for your child, don't have one. Having said that, I must say that I'm not against parents who work. I'm against working parents who don't use the rest of the time they have (like on weekends), to shower their kids with love and affection. I'm against parents who "subcontract" their parenting role out while they enjoy lives themselves, sans children. There are few things that I feel VERY VERY strongly about and this is one of them because I can't bear the thought that a child is neglected and driven to reclusion and rebellion. Sigh.
I must conclude by saying this. In my heart I wish what this helper said is untrue, that C is actually well-loved and cared for. But I will also try my very best to show him that even other mummies like myself can pay attention to and play with him in class and I will pray for him when I pray for John… that he will one day know that he is a child of God and that he is greatly loved by our Father in heaven.
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4 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. My colleague at my parents' office is one such parent. Infact, I wonder if C is their kid! I know they leave their 2 kids - a 2ish year old and a baby girl that's only a coupla months old - to their helper 100% of the time. He keeps urging me to send Nat to full-time school, so that I can go back to work and that she can learn "a lot of things". His wife and him play games in the evenings after work too, and even intend to go on a holiday and leave both kids with the helper! Can you believe that??!! To think that his son just recovered from a fever that ACTUALLY got him into a COMA! We've told him off a gazillion times, but he just shrugs it off like it's yesterday's problem. I feel sad for his kids and pray they turn out well.
My goodness. That's TERRIBLE! I think your colleague is actually worse than C's parents. To let a child get to the stage of being in a coma's BAD. C's definitely not their kid - only child. Why are there parent's like that??? Sigh.
actually after reading your post when you blogged about it, Trish, I felt a deep sorrow in my heart. I completely understand how you feel, children who are neglected, starving or orphaned touch a very raw nerve in me. It pains me when I know of parents who have kids but give excuses about how they need to work to make money, and so go out to work and at the end of the day, come back too tired to hang out with their kid so hardly spend time with them. Or parents who send their kids to 'foster parents' for the wk and only see them on weekends. WHY HAVE KIDS THEN???? Seems like a complete waste of time to me.
After reading your post, it got me thinking about some other issues regarding Elisha and I cried myself to sleep that night. Prayed and cried, and now... well, I'm just going to pray my Father will provide every single thing, emotional and physical, for me and Elisha. :)
Oh dear Jo. It wasn't my intention to cause anyone sorrow or grief. The raw nerve is definitely common to both of us. I can't take it too.
But it was my intention to get people to think and to examine their role as parents. It is a role definitely not to be taken lightly.
And indeed, God is your provider and Elisha's too. He alone knows all that you feel and all you struggle with and He has already put in place provisions for you. Am keeping you and the little one in prayer.
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